Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
