youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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