I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
