thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
