Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Randomize
