We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
