my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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