I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
They say you shouldnt they say its no good for the environment in your vagina
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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