We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Randomize
