is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
