Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
