"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
