I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
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