The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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