Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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