I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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