you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
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