Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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