the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
