made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
