Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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