i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Randomize
