Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
