"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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