I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
cat food counts as protein by the way
Less talking, more tequila
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Randomize
