Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
