So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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