I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
