Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
