Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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