I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Be still, my beating vagina.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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