I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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