she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
My penis needs a shock collar
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Randomize
