I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
