You're my little dorito
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
