Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
