Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Randomize
