do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
