this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
