my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
Randomize
