Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
