what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
