Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
