so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
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