Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
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