I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
