Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
