Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
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