So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
He? As in you personified your dick?
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
