I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
