so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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