I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
