I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
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