I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Randomize
