just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
