The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Randomize