last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
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