I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
