So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I had to cum in my sink.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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