dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
