I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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