it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
