Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
