how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
